Stay Awake

theragingwriter:

Sweltering summer days curled up on the front porch with beer had been replaced by me sleeping on the back deck alone with just the occasional comforter my mom tossed over me after I’d kicked it off because god damn nothing wanted to stay still. Sometimes, the sun would peek through the inky horizon, and I’d push my hands over my eyes and ask the world to stop. God, I just wanted the world to stop for a moment, and let me grip the grass. I had been spinning in circles for the past year, and just now, I could feel the world slipping into that insane vertigo where tables would fall from the sky and crush my ribcage like a dropped piano. I was out of control, and I couldn’t tell if I was going to land on my face or end up on my back like a dead ass dog. There were moments, before my parents could push me into rehab, when I’d have my face buried into the patio furniture cushion, and I was screaming until my throat was hoarse and tears were leaking from of my eyes. The high wasn’t there anymore, and all the beauty in the world had shifted. Someone, please, just fucking kill me. Those words left my mouth anytime my mom stepped outside. Even when Dad tried to talk to me, I asked him to take me somewhere to get a fix. I needed a fix.